Other Jokes

The jokes that didn't fit into one of the other categories....

Added 06/24/09 (forwarded from my parents)
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the....."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, My favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the Hell would you say?"

Added 06/24/09 (forwarded from my parents)
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Added 12/27/06 (forwarded from my parents)
With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go get her."

Added 09/22/06 (unknown)
Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen.
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says  that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.  He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and  this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"
"Yes, ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of  his old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up.  Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and  exclaims, "I know the answer now! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

Added 09/22/06 (unknown)
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.  Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.  John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, 
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Added 08/28/06 (unknown)
As the passengers began taking their seats on the plane, they began to notice that there were no flight attendants in sight. When the plane was nearly full, a voice was heard over the sound system.
"Good day passengers. Third Millenium Airlines welcomes you to flight 2020. The flight, bound for San Diego, California, will take approximately 3 hours. The weather is good and we expect no delays. The flight will be taking off within a few minutes. Once underway, a video will be shown demonstrating safety procedures. A flight attendant will not provide this demonstration as there are no flight attendants on this flight.
The passengers look at themselves, slightly confused. The voice continues: "That is because this is the world's most technologically advanced airplane. There are no flight attendants. There is also no pilot, or co-pilot. The entire system is automated using the latest high speed dual processor systems connected by a fiber optic 500 megabit network. There are multiple redundancies of all system components assuring that nothing could possible go wrong.... go wrong.... go wrong...."

Added 05/08/06 (co-worker)
Three engineers and three programmers were going to a conference. The three programmers bought three tickets but the engineers only bought one.
"Why did you guys only purchase one ticket?" asked one of the programmers.
"You'll see." replied one of the engineers.
When they got on the train, the three engineers crammed into the bathroom. The conductor came around, knocked on the bathroom door and said:
"Ticket."
A hand came out with a ticket and it was punched.
One the return trip, the programmers thought they'd try the same trick, so they only bought one ticket. However, the engineers didn't buy any.
"Why didn't you guys buy a ticket?" asked one of the programmers.
"You'll see." replied one of the engineers.
When they got on the train, the three programmers crammed into one of the bathrooms. The engineers crammed into the other. When the train was underway, one of the engineers stepped out of the bathroom and knocked on the bathroom door where the programmers were. He said:
"Tickets."

Added 05/08/06 (co-worker)
Having always been chauffered, the Pope desperately wanted to drive himself - just once. He spoke to his chauffer:
"Please, let me drive."
"No." replied the chauffer.
They went back and forth for some time. Eventually, the chauffer gave in. The Pope got in the driver's seat and immediately floored it - squealing the tires as he sped out of sight. A few miles down the road the Pope was pulled over by the Poliza (remember, they're in Italy). The officer got out, walked up to the car, and looked in. Upon seeing the Pope, he returned to his car and called head quarters.
"Chief, I have a problem."
"What is it?"
"I pulled a car over and the driver ....  I .... he .... I...."
"Is it someone important?" asked the Chief.
"I'll say."
"How important?" inquired the Chief.
"Think big."
"Rome's Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Italy's Governor?"
"Bigger." insisted the officer.
"How much bigger could he be?" the Chief said, giving in.
"I think it's God because the Pope is his chauffer!!"

Added 05/08/05 (Born Loser comic strip)
When asked how his baseball team was doing, the boy replied "Not too good.  In fact, instead of the 7th inning stretch, they play Taps."

Added 10/18/03 (credit unknown)
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says,
"I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
"That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks,
"One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say!"

Added 10/17/03 (credit unknown)
Mitchell, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track.
One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitchell bet on it, and it won!
Mitchell was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitchell bet every cent he had, and watched in horror as the horse came in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded an explanation!
"What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

Added 05/26/03 (credit unknown)
Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?

Added 03/17/03 (credit unknown)
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said,
"Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

Added 02/22/03 (credit unknown)
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight.

Added 03/08/02 (credit unknown)
A chicken tycoon calls the Pope with a $5 million offer to the Vatican if the Pope will only change "give us our daily bread" to "give us our daily chicken."
The pope curtly hangs up.
The next day, the offer is raised to $10 million.
The Pope won't even consider it.
The next day, however, the offer is raised to $25 million. The Pope acknowledges that he can't turn down such a huge offer of money to help the poor and says he will talk to his Cardinals. That night, he convenes the Cardinals and addresses them:
"I have good news and I have bad news."
"The good news is that we just got $25 million."
"The bad news is that we just lost the Wonder Bread account."

Added 03/08/02 (credit unknown)
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, they sit for a while, then the blind guy yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?"
The bar gets real quiet. In a husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound, blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she is a weight lifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about is seriously, Mister. You still want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it 5 times."

Added 03/08/02 (credit unknown)
A husband and wife are lying in bed. The woman says to her husband,
"I am going to make you the happiest man in the world"
The man says, "I'll miss you."

Added 03/08/02 (credit unknown)
Two guys were walking home from work. One guy says to the other
"I've got such a headache." The other guy replies
"I had a headache yesterday. But I rushed home and gave my wife a big kiss and my headache went away. You should try it."
The first guy replies,
"Well, okay. Call your wife and tell her I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

Added 03/08/01 (credit unknown)
After finding themselves proud parents-to-be, the husband and wife made their first visit to the doctor. When everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for so when they got home, the husband dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it read. In very tiny letters the stamp said,
"When you can read this, come back and see me."

Added 03/08/02 (credit unknown)
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to figure out how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then, during a fierce storm, the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

Added 03/08/02 (credit unknown)
A man walks into the Doctors office.
"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die." says the Doctor.
The Man asks "How long do I have to live"
"Ten" replies the Doctor.
"What does that mean" the man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"
The Doctor Replies "Nine ... eight ..."

Added 03/08/02 (credit http://www.Jokes.com
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife,
"Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks,
"Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

Added 03/08/02 (credit unknown)
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids. He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times already.

Added 11/29/01 (credit unknown)
A wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limo one day when he noticed two men at the side of the road eating grass. He told the driver to pull over and got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the first man.
"We have no money for food," the poor man replied.
"Well, come with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children!" the man said.
"Bring them along," replied the lawyer.
"And what about you?" he asked, turning to the other man.
"I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered, with his head hung low.
"Bring them all!" the lawyer ordered. The two families climbed into his limo and stared at him with gratitude.
"Sir, you are very kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
"No problem," the lawyer replied.
"The grass at my house is almost a foot tall!"

Added 11/16/01 (credit unknown)
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary Clinton went off to visit a fortune teller of some local reputation. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. As the mystic took her reading, she had a struck look on her face, looked up and said,
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's wrinkled face, then at the single flickering candle on the table. Looking aside for a moment, Hillary then looked back down to her wringing hands in her lap. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and consider her question; she just had to know. Hillary met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"

Added 11/16/01 (credit unknown)
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

Added 11/16/01 (credit unknown)
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell?" He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

Added 11/16/01 (credit unknown)
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to he fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?" The man replied,
"Yep, sure do." Satan asked,
"Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

Added 11/16/01 (credit unknown)
Two guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, he saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed. The other guy said,
"You know, the was the most touching thing I've ever seen." The first guy answers,
"Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"

Added 11/16/01 (credit unknown)
A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, "Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?"
"Phew, that one's easy," says the teacher, "The Titanic."
"Alright," said St. Peter, "you may pass."
Then the thief got his question: "How many died on the Titanic?"
The thief replied, "That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people." And so he passed through.
Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: "Name them."

(credit unknown)
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

(credit unknown)
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"

(credit unknown)
Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.
"I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white 'Vet."
As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon."
Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two. "Well," he finally said, "I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe."

(credit unknown)
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares...Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

(credit unknown)
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?"
The baker says in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing else?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry."
"Sherry is your wife?"" asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

(credit unknown)
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.  "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in a garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," replies the barber, "just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

(credit http://www.eMailHello.com)
A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 50 years.
While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

(credit http://www.eMailHello.com)
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

(credit http://www.eMailHello.com)
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup.
Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted a laxative and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Laxatives won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

(paraphrase from http://www.iWon.com)
A child asked a woman how old she was.  She replied "39 and holding."
The boy then asked, "How old would you be if you let go?"

(paraphrase from http://www.iWon.com)
One frog said to the other "My web feet would be a lot better if I had an internet connection."

(credit http://www.eMailHello.com)
An angry bartender was closing up for the night when he heard a knock at the door.
He opened the door, didn't see anybody, and was about to close the door when a voice called, "Hey, down here."
The bartender looked down and saw a snail.
"Hey," the snail asked, "how about a drink?"
The angry bartender snarled, "First of all, we're closed. Secondly, we don't serve snails." And with that, the bartender kicked the snail all the way across the street.
A month later, the same angry bartender was closing up for the night when there was a knock at the door.
He opened the door, and there was the same snail from last month.
"You know," the snail said, "you didn't have to kick me."

(credit http://www.eMailHello.com)
The passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for their flight to take off. They're getting a little impatient, but the stewardess has assured them that the pilots will be boarding soon, and that the flight will then leave immediately. Suddenly, two men, dressed in pilots' uniforms, walk up the aisle. Both were wearing dark glasses; one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin. The men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. But none is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. The passengers with window seats realize that they're headed straight for the water at the far edge of the airport runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will crash into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. But, at that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.  The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream just a little too late, and we're all going to die."

(credit http://www.eMailHello.com)
John played golf every Saturday with his three best friends, Tom, Dick, and Harry. Knowing that John usually made it home by noon, his wife was getting worried because it was almost 2 p.m. and she hadn't heard from him.
Three P.M. came and went, then 4 P.M. Finally, around five o'clock, John walked in dragging his golf bag. ""Where have you been? I've been so worried!" his wife exclaimed.
"It was a real bad day at the golf course." John replied. "Harry had a heart attack and collapsed on the 4th hole. It was pretty rough. Hit the ball... drag Harry... hit the ball... drag Harry..."

(credit http://www.eMailHello.com)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, the would be bay-gulls.

(credit http://www.iWon.com)
Father:  When Lincoln was your ago, he was already studying to be a lawyer.
Son:  And when he was your age, he was already President of the United States.

(credit http://www.Funny.com)
Replying to the doctors statement about being in practice for over ten years, the patient said "When your done practicing, let me know when you want to get serious."

(credit http://www.Funny.com)
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him,  "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

(credit Woody Allen from Small Time Crooks)
Did you hear about the Polish carpool?
They meet at work.

(credit Car and Driver Magazine)
What are a rednecks last words?
"Hey, y'all watch THIS"

(credit Car and Driver Magazine)
12 Things Never to Say to a Police Officer.

1. "I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer."
2. "Sorry Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in."
3. "Aren't you the guy from the Village People?"
4. "Hey, you must've been doin' like 125 to keep up with me. Good job!"
5. "Are you Andy or Barney?"
6. "I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to be a police officer?"
7. "You're not going to check the trunk are you?"
8. "I pay your salary!"
9. "Gee Officer, that's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning too!"
10. "Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does."
11. "I was trying to keep up with the traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.  That's how far behind I am."
12. When the officer says "Gee, son, your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probable shouldn't respond with "Gee, Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"