Humor - Celebrity Quotes
I've collected these over time. There are some bright people out there.....
- Pretty much anything uttered by the twice impeached,
9488 time indicted former president (#45). - Commentator during the 2006 Winter Olympics:
"She is skiing for the gold!" - New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." - And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said,
"To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." - Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." - Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." - Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships:
"I've won at every level, except college and pro." - Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992:
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books (1991):
"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs (1986):
"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating." - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons (1991):
"It's basically the same, just darker." - Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote (1996):
"I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player (1991):
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991) - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what the old player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." - Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye." - Brooke shields:
"Smoking kills. And if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Clinton aide George Stephanopoulos speaking on Larry King Live:
"The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." - Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention:
"The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder." - Forestry expert Ronald Reagan:
"If you've seen one redwood tree, you've seen them all." - Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel enderbery:
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." - Former U.S. vice-president Dan Quayle:
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Former Philadelphia mayor and police chief frank Rizzo:
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people that make them unsafe." - Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole:
"The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Andrew Mathis:
"It is bad luck to be superstitious." - Boston Mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces:
"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the air force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers:
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks:
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Hillary Clinton: commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents:
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." - Former u.s. president Calvin Coolidge:
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." - Former French president Charles de Gaulle:
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." - A congressional candidate in Texas:
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." - Former u.s. president Dwight d. Eisenhower: "Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."