BUMPER STICKERS / TEE SHIRTS

Various humorous quotes seen on a bumper sticker or a tee shirt.

Added 07/27/05:

• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
• Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it?
• If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?

Older:

• Forget about World Peace.  Visualize using your turn signal.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• Laugh alone the world thinks you're an idiot.
• Rehab is for quitters.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
• Where there is a will, I want to be in it.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
• There are 3 kinds of people; those who can count and those who can't.
• Why is abbreviation such a long word?
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Remember half the people you know are below average.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I intend to live forever - so far so good.
• Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
• The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
• Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
• Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
• Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

A few of my favorites:

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
• I love cats... they taste just like chicken.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.